I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Randomize
