Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
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