I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
