we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Yeahhh, everybody is so helpful when a pretty girl is crying hysterically and has only one shoe and a six pack.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
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