I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
