Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
I really wanna treat my body good. Because i plan on doing drugs
Randomize
