Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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