Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
He posted a picture from Senor Frogs. I don't remember where that bikini came from and my sombrero is PERPENDICULAR. Safe to say it was one hell of a day
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
