my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
