every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?
you are way too vulgar to be a girl
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
You were holding up a boot and yelling boot gang
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Randomize
