don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
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