the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
Waking up naked and dehydrated has become a regular occupancy for me.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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