She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
