Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
Randomize
