Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
