There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
I showed that dick picture that your date texted you to everyone because you passed out and left your phone unattended. Your fault. Plus his cock was big so his fault too.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I just rolled a blunt and took my bra off. I'm not going anywhere.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
