if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
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