Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
You called me your momma bear, and then demanded more vodka
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
Randomize
