Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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