hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You had all day to plan ahead & get mixers, so whose fault is this sobriety?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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