Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
He has what he calls a "Ben Franklin". It's a pubic hairdo based on the man himself; long on the sides and bald in the middle.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
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