just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
can you come here so we can have really loud sex? the girl upstairs walks so loud i want her to know how it feels
of course
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
