If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
