And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
He yelled at me to keep it in my pants and I replied with I will fuck your roommate as much as I please. Oops
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!