i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
During the middle of giving him head, he flashes his phone and says "I like to watch."
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You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
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woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant