he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
We have had more Sex in the past 48 hours then we have in the past 3 months. I think it was from me dressing up as Darth Vader.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
The streets are paved with hand jobs
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