I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I planned out my poor life choices for the weekend.
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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