but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Youre saying I should leave him? Have you seen the dating pool these days? It's terrifying, and in the capital region it's straight Norman Bates
Randomize
