How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
