Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Let us rub each other in fish scales and become mermaids
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
