So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
