I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
