I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My family just had an in depth argument about the meaning of chodes
I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Call me as soon as you're able to dial a phone. I just took a shit behind a building in broad daylight and need to get the fuck outta here soon.
Spent the majority of my senior year drunk. Graduate of 2011, I think 2011. Probably.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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