I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
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