the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
Well I don't think you could recreate that hangover if you tried. It was like the perfect storm of hangovers.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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