I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
Now i know i wasnt that drunk... So why are there texts of me volunteering for a nude photo shoot for an art major student?
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
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