His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
Randomize
