Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
Randomize
