Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
Can you bring me the toilet please
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
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