if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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