Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
He ate me out on the balcony. My asian neighbors cats are judging me...ALL 3 OF THEM!!
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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