she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
I am not even close to finishing violently masturbating over that video.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I lost the right to judge tonight
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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