goodnight i made you a song goodbye
Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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