He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
Randomize