I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
DUDE I FINGERED JOE'S MOM, PLS DONT TELL HIM, MORE LATER
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
