apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
So I just watched the Lakers/Magic game so I could have something to talk about with him after we have sex this time
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
