Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Randomize
