i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
