So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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