It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
