You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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