I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
Is it wrong to beat off to a girl to determine if you like her or not?
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
we watched a tutorial on how to do guidette makeup
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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