If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Last night we were drunk and talking about rude things, I mentioned felching and had to explain it to everyone. Everyone was disgusted and asked how I knew about such filth and I told them you told me. Don't get mad. Also a quck heads up, you might get gifts of straws at work,
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
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he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
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Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
He could only go twice. I need a guy with more stamina and is less married
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
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