Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
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scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
I told her the job opening requires being on the phone during the week and on my face on the weekends. I think she wants the job.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
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The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
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