Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
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