remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
Just visited the liquor store.... for the 4th time today. shits gonna get weird
I hooked up with a lesbian tonite. Top 2 valentines experiences of all time.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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