He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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