His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
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