shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
Randomize
